Wisdom on Friendship
CATHEDRAL NEWSLETTER - 14 September 2023
Friends in Christ, three big days at Synod just done, lots of good work, and I'm a bit exhausted. However, this Sunday after each service, I will make myself available to answer questions for anyone interested in matters discussed at Synod. And I'll put a couple of links to stories of special interest from the Synod... But for now, I want a break from all that stuff!
This morning on my run, I listened to a podcast from Rebecca McLaughlin and Sam Allberry on friendship (Apple / Spotify). And it made me realise just how deeply grateful I was to have a couple of close friends to sit next to at Synod when things got 'interesting' - Terry and Stacey (the latter of whom is also one of Karyn's best friends).
I hope you also have someone you can call 'friend'.
Image courtesy of Corissa Nelson Art
I was struck by something that Sam Allberry said on the topic of biblical thinking about friendship. He quoted Jesus in John 15:13-15
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down ones life for ones friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his masters business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
We often connect friendship with sacrifice from this passage.
We know Jesus' atoning sacrifice for our sins is unique - especially since the Bible elsewhere calls us God's enemies for the way we have treated him. And yet he died for us! As Romans 5:8-10 says:
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from Gods wrath through him! For if, while we were Gods enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!
And so Jesus calls us his friends.
And by the way we also quote John 15:13, the "greater love" verse, at Anzac Day, we also know that it's an example for how we treat others.
Friendship can take effort. Like all relationships, it can take sacrifice.
But Allberry's major point came from John 15:14-15... Friends know something of each other's business. Friends make stuff known to their friends!
I'm so pleased that Karyn treats me as a friend as well as a husband, even if I'm not always such a good one.
My thought is that I am better at talking about ideas and issues. And she is better at talking about people and relationships.
But we try to give of ourselves and to enter into what the other one reveals as important. (She's better at it than me! But walking the dog together helps with time side by side.)
It's a simple insight really. But friends reveal themselves to each other. It's not always easy. And you can't just be always 'dumping' either. But you can't have a friendship thrive if you are hiding everything away.
Allberry said the other place he went to in the Bible on friendship was Proverbs. The podcast did not have time to explore this. But here are several Proverbs on friendship I have found helpful.
Proverbs 12:26 The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
You can't be friends with everyone. Indeed you shouldn't be. And you shouldn't try. And that's OK. Being discerning is OK.
Proverbs 17:9 Whoever would foster love covers over an offence, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
Friendship requires you to cut each other some slack. Sometimes you have to be willing to let some things drop.
Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Proverbs 18:24 One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
A fair weather friend is probably no friend at all.
On the other hand, Allberry quoted Tim Keller as saying something like the way to get good friends is to be a good friend consistently yourself.
Go the extra mile. More than once. Even at those times the other one struggles to return the favour. Because that would be grace.
Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Don't expect a friend only to say nice things. Especially don't expect them to say just what you want to hear.
Proverbs 27:14 If anyone loudly blesses their neighbour early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.
Friends also need times apart! If you want to be in your friend's pocket all the time you will suffocate each other. Remember pretty much everyone needs their space!
Remember, the Proverbs are wise generalisations, not ironclad laws of nature. And certainly my little reflections on them are nothing special. But I hope there is some spark for your own thinking about what kind of friend you want to be.
Is there a friend to contact and encourage? Is there someone to reach out to with a view to potential friendship?
Warmly in Christ,
Sandy Grant
Dean of Sydney
P.S. Synod updates: